Most Frequent Advice from a Child Psychologist
Parents find their way to my office asking a number of different questions.. "How do I make my kid stop having massive tantrums?" "How do I help my kid listen to me the first time?" "How do I stop all the whining?" I have found myself asking these same questions of my own children. In case someone has not told you this today, parenting is TOUGH.
My starting point with both myself and my clients is to ask, "How much time have I spent with my child recently?" So much of our interactions with our children are demand-based or parent-led, starting with the morning routine. "Change your clothes!" "Did you brush your teeth?" "Stop that!" "Make sure your backpack is packed!" "Eat your breakfast!" "Go play!" "No!" These interactions are necessary, and our children need more than this to fill their cups.
I often use the analogy of a piggy bank. Imagine every child has an emotional piggy bank inside of them. We make deposits when we have positive interactions where we really see our children - whether it's praise, hugs, child-directed interactions, special time, or play. Withdrawals from the emotional piggy bank include the demands we place on our children, the questions we ask, and the consequences we give. We want our deposits to far exceed our withdrawals, so that we do not go into debt.
When I find myself drowning in grumpiness, tantrums, and not liking myself as a parent, my first move is to spend quality, one-on-one time with each child (also called "Special Time"). Ten to fifteen minutes per day is enough to drastically improve my relationship with them and our overall moods. When we have this relationship-building time, the focus is on letting the child lead - we want to join in on their time, not direct them in what we want.
When the children are young (toddler-preschool age), parents can assume the role of narrators or sportscasters and describe what the child is doing. As the children get older, parents can more fully engage in low-demand activities with them, whether it's a board game, pretend play, or going to grab a treat together. These moments are so important in sustaining the relationship we have with our children.
Special Time Activity Ideas
Pretend play can come in all shapes & sizes. Grab a few toys and engage that imagination! If you are struggling to get into it, start with a real-life scenario and branch off from there. You can also use costumes or dress-up clothes as inspiration. I keep animal toys, play food, and vehicles handy in my office at all times to spark pretend play.
Magna-Tiles are a current favorite of my 2- and 4-year-old. We love building together! It is also a great way to practice frustration tolerance. "Oh no, the tower fell down! That's okay, we can build it again!"
Cooperative board games take away the stress of who is going to win and who is going to lose, so you can focus on the FUN!
Building Site: HABA has created so many great games. This one is a family favorite - work together to make matches and finish building the house. A great first board game!
Count Your Chickens: Everyone wins if you collect the chicks before Mother Hen reaches the coop! This is a fun learn-to-count game.
Reading together has so many benefits. Interactive books are especially fun! Some of our current favorite books are:
Silly Lullaby: We love all books by Sandra Boynton, they are funny, short, and memorable.
The Pout-Pout Fish Look-and-Find Book: Look-and-find books are great ways to read while keeping kids actively engaged in an activity, especially if it is about a character they are interested in.
Dinosaurs: A fun way to learn about dinosaurs while shining a flashlight to reveal hidden pictures.
Little Blue Truck Makes a Friend: Books can be a great way to reinforce and teach all sorts of skills, and this is a great one to teach making a friend.
Make a blanket fort, play hide-and-seek, do age-appropriate puzzles, color, go on a walk together - these can be fun regardless of age!
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Looking for a child psychologist? If you are located near Houston, Texas, book a complimentary consultation at Brightside Psychology or call (713)482-1023. I would love to join you and your child's team.
Sources:
Howard BJ. 2002. Guidelines for special time. In Jellinek M, Patel BP, Froehle MC, eds., Bright Futures in Practice: Mental Health—Volume II. Tool Kit. Arlington, VA: National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health.
https://helpingfamiliesthrive.com/the-emotional-piggy-bank/
https://www.healthychildren.org/English/family-life/power-of-play/Pages/pretend-play-ways-children-can-exercise-their-imagination.aspx
